Life in the Fat Lane

At the risk of offending every third world country on Earth, my floor recently purchased enough on-campus food for Friday and Tuesday to feed Ethiopia for a year (okay, probably a slight exaggeration but bear with me). We just ordered $1420 dollars worth of food from Subway and Noble Roman’s (including but not limited to 66 feet of sandwiches). While we did it mainly to get rid of meals we hadn’t used, sort of as a joke, there are sadly a few groups of people that, upon reading this would say ‘well, why wouldn’t you?’. This brings to light two typical American stereotypes, one populated more in higher circles than the general public. These are the ideas that Americans are all fat, and that we’re also bad with money (which is why we’re so deep in debt that Donald Trump couldn’t get us out of it even if he sold Mars back to Russia). The problem with health problems in America is that we either care too much or not at all. And yes, you can care too much…this leads to more psychological problems (high stress and such) from worrying too much- ‘I wonder if that knife touched beef that wasn’t properly cooked?’, ‘I wonder how many calories are in this bread (which reminds me of all those idiotic diets you see advertised on tv-bullshit. Just get out and exercise once in a while).’ And the other group of people are those that think the fries aren’t salty enough so they pour the entire shaker on their plate and eat the salt like it was a dipping sauce, and here I am referring specifically to my friend Fat Mitch. In Japan (I know, I’ve been ‘Japan this’ and ‘Japan that’ for a while, but you’ll have to bear with me), nobody really cares all that much about their health. This isn’t a scientific things, it’s just something you observe from being over there for extended periods of time. It’s not an issue to them. And because of this, they’re much healthier- I saw 0 obese people, and they have one of the highest lifespans on the planet. It’s a cyclic thing - they worry less, so they’re healthier, so they worry less… and so on. The point is, Americans, just relax a bit.

As for the other stereotype I mentioned, America is horrible with money. Now can I borrow 30 bucks from someone so I can pay my friend back?

Event Horizon

Not a whole lot to report on this side of the road. It was recommended by someone that I take more courses next quarter; I suppose he thinks I have too much free time. Well, I won’t for long. I’ve got 2 years to get a 4 year degree, so I figure I oughta start bookin’ it. Hopefully I’ll have some real home-wrecker stories by next week, cause I’m heading up to NY for break. We’ll see what happens; should be a lot of fun. Until then, peace out homes.

Back in Black

“And he did fall from the sky, and he did landeth with a crash, and the building behind him asplodeth, and as he reached up, he seemed to grab a pair of sunglasses out of nowhere, and as he put them on, the people rejoiced, for they saw that Matt had returned at last”

-6.66 of the book of Maawesomett

That’s right, fellow travellers, I have finally returned after my long absence! I regret that I was not able to pander to the masses, but I had been unavoidably detained. I shall tell all. I was harpoon-fishing off the coast in my air-boat when I managed to catch a shark. However, the chain of my harpoon got wrapped around a tree, causing it to snap, sending the end of the chain flying, and cutting local reporter Butterskates in half. Unfortunately, the tragedy did not end there. The air-boat hit land and flipped, landing fan-down directly on top of Butterskates. Being a fan of his work, I vowed to save him. Storing the pureed pieces of him in a jar and with his camera around my neck, I set off to find a clan of druids that would be able to resurrect him. However, I was unexpectedly caught by the evil druids, under the influence of the dread Druid Monster. He attempted to devour me, but I escaped his grasp and made an attack on his head. He proceeded to dive off a cliff-side with me still wrestling with him, and he landed on me. Fortunately, I was able to cut my way through his foot. Suddenly everything was black, and I awoke, hand outstretched grasping my glasses. I was awakened by the call of the Druid Monster outside my bedroom window, humbly offering to buy me a Monster-sized pint, which I graciously accepted. As I downed my drink, he filled me in on the parts I missed. After escaping him foot, I was able to dole out a royal butt-kicking, and knocked him straight out, after which I seem to have suffered a coma attack of some sort. However, being fully awakened, and having restored Butterskates and returned home from the druids, I am now able to publish complete rubbish on the internet once again! For those who are not avid readers, such an epic can be found interpreted by a group of artists at the following location - http://ambitiouspagoda.com/wiki/Matt_Luke_Webcomic. I must now prepare for tonight’s evening homecoming festivities, so for now, farewell! I have returned!

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and…Duck!

So while I mean no disrespect to the religious community as a whole, I think the general idea of organized religion is a bad one. I mean, look at how many wars it’s caused in the past 1000 years. So I took it upon myself to lampoon, if you will, the church by becoming an ordained minister. It was mostly a joke, but it also allows me to legally marry people, which is good for prospective couples who are looking to elope in a timely fashion (think convicts). It also allows me to perform exorcisms (just in case) as well as bless my food and drink (though out of respect for the big guy upstairs, I think I’ve only done that once. So far). So I was browsing the website that ordained me (www.themonastery.org…it’s free!), and it turns out that they can give official titles to their members, and while the Universal Life Church is non-denominational and has no real hierarchy, it’s nice to be called something. So I was browsing through the titles they offer, and I am finding myself torn between being a ‘Rock Doctor (R.D.)’ and an ‘Universal Philosopher Of Absolute Reality’.  I figure that being a Rock Doctor would go better with my radio show; (it rolls off the tongue better than “…you’re listening to Matt ‘the Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality’ Luke, on WHMD The Monkey, 90.7 FM), but then again, maybe I should just go with Reverend.  And if you don’t get this post’s title reference, then you don’t watch nearly enough movies.

Magically Delirious

After returning from Japan, I’ve noticed that (although it’s improving now,) I am experienceing a great deal of jet lag.  I’m not tired at night and my body refuses to sleep past 5 a.m.,  which has resulted in an average of 3 or 4 hours of sleep per day.  Which would be fine except that I don’t get the weekend sleep I would normally get at school.  It’s 3-5 on saturday and I wake up wondering how long before I crash for a week.  But I slept in today;I  got up at 7:40 (woo!) and resumed learning Python.  Well anyway, I wanted some breakfast, and was excited to learn that there is a new shape in Lucky Charms cereal, the hourglass.  But as I poured the cereal, I realized something was amiss… there was my hearts, my stars, my horseshoes, my clovers, my blue moons, my rainbows, and my red balloons, but no pots of gold anywhere in sight.  Those bastards…do they think they can get rid of my gold and attempt to buy me off with some flashy new ‘hourglass’ gimmick??  Because they can’t.  I’ll still eat the cereal, but I’ll do it begrudgingly.

In closing, vote Matt Luke in ‘08!

I am Stephen Colbert…

…and by extension, that also makes me America. How quaint. We had a farewell party before I left the land of the rising sun, where our host families all showed up and we looked at pictures. Now I wasn’t there, but my friend told me about it later. At another table, Chris was sitting with his family and trying to speak the language, and they had mentioned a picture of me. In this picture was me, my hair in the wind, wearing my shades, staring off into the distance, and the family said that I looked like everything that was American. Hearing that made me extremely happy, especially since I apparently have become some sort of post-apocalyptic hero. I’ll show you some pics once they get scanned in. Anyway, I just wanted to mention that. Really didn’t have a point to it. Whatever. I got back to the States and at once was surrounded by so many ethnic groups, everything seemed foreign. It’s like the world’s biggest tourist trap. When you go to Japan you realize everyone there is Japanese. It’s not like the melting pot of America. Also, everything here seems big, loud, and dirty by comparison, and it seems like nobody has a purpose. Everybody just kind of walks around. Go to a place like Tokyo, and all you see are the Suits who have exactly where they need to go in mind, and theres a sense of briskness, but never really one of being in a rush. They don’t have to rush; they know exactly when the trains come and go on any given day, because they’re always on time, and run according to day ( a train that runs 6 on morning on Monday runs 6 in the morning every Monday). This seems like common sense, but even the buses run that way. That’s the thing about the country… everything is so convinient. Like the convinience stores every block that sell stuff for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (you can get a tv dinner-style bento box and they will heat it up for you). And if it rains, they all sell umbrellas (ellas ellas eh eh eh under my umbrella ella ella eh eh eh). But now I’m ruined because I can’t get delicious bread every morning at the Sheetz, and I’m not going to get rice with every meal (yet. Once I get back to school, I’m buying a rice steamer and filling my wardrobe with rice). All in all, it was a lot of fun, and I hope after I graduate to go back and spend a year there teaching English to middle school and high school students. They even pay for housing and food, so I figure ‘why not’? I’m definitely gonna miss that place and plan on studying the language on my own until I get a chance to return. My spirits were lifted a little when I found out that the Top Gun Anthem was released for Guitar Hero 3 (which for all intents and purposes doesn’t exist in Japan) and playing it made me feel distinctly more like America. I am glad to be back to my guitar and to Guitar Hero, and now all I have to do is learn all of Python and a little bit of C and PHP in 5 weeks before returning to Indiana. shouldn’t be too hard, right? Right??

Final lap

I only have another week in Japan, and it’s kind of sad…it’s nice here, and the food is better per unit price. But oh well, I guess I’ll just have to come back in two years once I (hopefully) graduate. So on Thursday, a group of us went karaoke-ing, cause if we decided not to drink we co go from 8:30 until 5 a.m. for only 10 dollars, instead of 30. So we went for awhile and when the time was right me and Highlord, a close personal friend of mine, did Beautiful People by the wonderful Marilyn Manson. Oh my throat… The next day, a larger group of people were panning on going, but I decided I’d rather take a bike ride. I rode 60 miles yesterday, which brings my weekly total to just near 100 miles of biking…I’ve never done that much work in my life before…my legs are kinda sore right now. Today around one we have a farewell party with all our host families, which puts a lot of goddamn pressure on us to not screw up our Japanese, but whatever. I’m sure it’ll be fun. Meanwhile while I’m typing this, everyone else here is probably still drunk from last night. I woke up a 6 o’%(*@#$%& clock, because I’m an idiot and the sun rises at like 4:30…no lie. The most culture-shocked I’ve been are the times when I really miss Guitar Hero and Rock Band. I mean, they have real guitars, but they’re all too expensive to fit under my ‘under 400 dollars and it’s playable’ rule. I think the most expensive one I’ve seen is 8000 bucks. sigh…

In closing, I am hangry. Food is give! Give!!

Damp

Kanazawa, like England’s lake district, is what we in the engineering profession call ‘damp’. I spent 3 hours in the rain today greeting people returning from home-stays. Oh, By the way, this past weekend i did a home-stay in the home of some authentic Japanese (nihon-jin), not those fake ones you buy at the store. They were a middle-aged couple, about forty, and they had a dog. They were a real nice couple, and one was a professor so they understood some English (thank Raptor Jesus). The first day I spent mostly together with another family. We went to the samurai district and had some swickity sweet tea and dessert for lunch and visited really old houses. Then we went to a Japanese-style barbeque, where me, Afroman, and Butterskates got schooled in baseball by some 10 year olds. After that, we split up and me and my family took their dog for a walk on the beach. Afterwards, we picked up some groceries, and much to my dismay, I, yes I, made dinner. It was a beef stew-style curry and rice, as well as an Okinawan entree. After dinner, there was a whole lot of picture showing, cause that’s pretty big during home-stays. The next day, we just went around the city, went shopping, and ate McDonalds for lunch, cause you can’t get the whole Japanese experience without eating at McDonalds. We then sat down at their home to watch some anime without subtitles. This 40-ish couple without any children has two TVs with a PS2 for each, two computers (one in the seemingly unused guest room), and a Wii. Anyway, afterwards, we went to a ramen shop where a refill of food, not drink, was one dollar for more than i could finish. It was pretty good, but then we went to a guitar shop where everything in it was worth more than everything I own except for my computer, and that’s only cause it came with a lot of software. But all in all it was a good experience, and I was able to communicate fairly well the entire time. I actually have to write a presentation in a crazy moon language I don’t quite understand by tomorrow, so I’ll have to end this now. But on a final note, it’s somewhat comforting to know that with all the software I’ve got, my laptop is worth more than everything I’ve seen in this country so far, including all vehicles whose price I can or choose to remember. So there.

‘Til the Cows Come Home…

I got my hair strightened today which was an interesting experience. But that’s not what I came here to talk about today. I came here to talk about cows. So a friend and I had decided to try and bike to the mountains surrounding the city. We made it up and saw some magnificent views. I’ll try and get some pics up soon. A few days later we decided to return with more people and ride a little farther. The weather was nice, but as it was a two hour ride up to the top. We were able to get even more great shots, but it was time to get back. We were coasting down the mountain at an average of about 20 miles an hour. It was a lot of fun…for a while. The mountain is covered by bamboo, which means when there’s no sun it’s pretty much pitch black. Well, on the way down, I hit a ditch and lost control of the front wheel and flew off the bike. Estimates out me at about ten feet of skiddage. I hit with my head first, so I don’t really remember much, although I was missing like half of my face for a while. It’s healed pretty nice; the accident kick-started my Wolverine gene. In lighter news my name is now a verb synonymous with ‘hit the road’. At least this allowed me to experience the Japanese hospital system, which is rather efficient and much cheaper. Ha ha, and you thought this was going to be about cows…

The Deep South

So I was on a long weekend vacation since last Friday, and for this outing I figured ‘Hey, Japan isn’t so bad.  Maybe I’ll travel 600 miles away from everyone who speaks my language on my own.’  So I did.  The first stop included Hiroshima, where I visited the Memorial Peace Park and Museum, which was something else.  The depictions of the bomb and its after-effects were nothing short of mind-numbing.  There were shrines all over the place and I figured maybe I should say a prayer or something, but when I tried I realized there was absolutely nothing I could think of to say that would mean anything.  I rest easy knowing that in 4 hours I experienced a deeper level of emotional thought than most people won’t hit in a year.  On a lighter note, I made it to Tokyo the next day (which was an 8 hour train ride, btw) and hit up Akihabara, the electric town or Tokyo.  My reasoning was that if there would be anywhere on Earth that I could find a spare battery for my laptop, it would be in the electronics district of arguably the most advanced city on Earth.  No dice.  HP won’t sell to anyone; you have to order directly from them.  So then I returned to Kanazawa to relax before classes resumed today, and we watched the Matrix trilogy in Japanese.  Kung-Fu wo wakatta!  I’m gonna go try and design a Rube-Goldberg device in a language I don’t entirely understand now.  Oh, and it rained.  All weekend.  And now all my shit is wet.  Phooey.